


Realization

by KouRei (ShinkengerRedBlue)



Series: Love and Redemption [2]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angsty thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-13 03:37:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18023963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinkengerRedBlue/pseuds/KouRei
Summary: Somehow a simple journal really brings things into perspective.





	Realization

_Monday:_

_Today was so hard that I could barely wash myself during my shower. Everything aches and still I can't get down that stupid four count. Hanbin hyung wants it sharp and clean and even though Jiwon hyung is having a hard time himself, I still get the most scolding. My face aches from how hard I had to scrub because Junhoe hyung told me that my ache was getting worse. I've been drinking so much water but nothing seems to be working. I told manager hyung to bring me some hard medicine for my face, maybe that'll help._

_Today Yunhyeong cooked kimchi fried rice with spam and fried eggs. They didn't even wait for me to finish my shower before eating. There wasn't any spam when I finally sat down to eat and Donghyuk was stuffing the last egg into his mouth. It wasn't much, I got to eat one bowlful before Hanbin and Jiwon emptied the pot. Still it was better that last Thursday when they ordered Chinese food without me and didn't even get me anything. I'm still saving for that new computer monitor so all I ate that day was some cereal. Better than nothing._

_It's almost two in the morning and since we have a late schedule tomorrow I can sneak out for some extra dance practice and be back by six. I need to remember to buy some more cream for my knees since they're bruising pretty dark. Oh well, hopefully I can bum some money off mom since I know I can't get anything from my hyungs. They're so stingy with me ever since I accidentally ordered seven pizzas. That was like years ago and I think the most I've gotten from anyone was a dollar from Donghyuk when he told me to keep the change when I went to go buy him ice cream. Oh well beggars can't be choosers._

_Anyways I think I hear Hanbin hyung working on music and I know Yunhyeong's asleep. Now's my chance to sneak off. Hopefully it's not too cold outside because I just remembered I also need a new pair of sneakers. At this rate I'll go broke just buying the necessitates but what can you do when a company doesn't pay you well?_

* * *

   
It was an accident, one that Chanwoo wished he could have prevented by simply not having a journal to write his thoughts down. His journal that he had started to put his emotions down on paper, writing everything that was unfair to him, things that left him aching inside. He had been planning on burning his journal once it was full, to help him leave those thoughts behind him and move on. But he should have known that Yunhyeong would have snooped in his room when he wasn't looking, digging around to show their fans what Chanwoo was really like.

He should have known Yunhyeong would take his journal, reading it and immediately taking it to Hanbin. That journal was grounds for an emergency iKON meeting, hoping this situation wouldn't go higher than their manager. Chanwoo hadn't even noticed that his journal was missing, generally waiting until late at night to write his thoughts down.

But he was too busy thinking of how many hours of dance practice he needed, not noticing the very worried looks his hyungs were giving him. He browsed around Twitter, not really caring to listen to the whispers in the car. He even went as far as to put in some earbuds and play some music, anything but iKON. This gave his hyungs the opportunity to plan. Donghyuk leaned in, a frown plastered on his face. “How are we going to do this? I feel awful for never noticing our neglect towards him.”

Hanbin crossed his arms, a stony look on his face. Anyone could feel the guilt coming from him, knowing that the brunt of Chanwoo's emptiness came from him. The scoldings, the cold looks, even the small digs of Chanwoo's incapability by shortening his lines. It was eating Hanbin alive. What could he say to fix things when this was years in the making? Jinhwan put his hand on Hanbin's shoulder, smiling weakly. “We'll set him down in the living room and apologize. We'll fix this Hanbin, whatever it takes.”

Junhoe, being blunt as usually, piped in. “And what if he thinks our apology isn't worth much to him. Hyung, we've basically kicked him out of the group. Nobody helps him out with his dancing, I'm pretty sure that the company doesn't let him act, and has he come to anyone with troubles and worries? I bet we're just strangers to him at this point.” Junhoe bit his lip to stop himself from crying, knowing if he started, Yunhyeong and Jinhwan wouldn't stop.

A yawn broke the small silence, coming from Chanwoo. Everyone watched as Chanwoo struggled to stay awake in the car, his eyes looking heavy with dark eye circles. Jiwon pursed his lips, sucking in his breath. “When was the last time he had any sleep?” Donghyuk shrugged, wishing he could pull Chanwoo so he could sleep on his shoulder. “ I don't know but I'm sure we've gotten more than him. I always see him practicing.” He looked at Hanbin, “He's been like that since you told him he wasn't sharp enough.”

Hanbin winced and turned away, while Yunhyeong and Jinhwan glared at Donghyuk, who put his hands up. “My bad.” The conversation stopped there but everyone's thoughts were on different parts of Chanwoo's journal, each member feeling guilty beyond belief. Meanwhile Chanwoo finally dozed off, their car ride still an hour or so away from home, where the members planned to trap Chanwoo on the couch and hopefully start making amends to a problem they should have addressed years ago.

The silence was stifling as each member stewed in their own thoughts, the guilt written on their faces. Yunhyeong leaned back in his seat, his eyes aching from holding back his tears. He was supposedly the closest to Chanwoo, he boasted as much. But having read Chanwoo's thoughts about how graceful he was on stage and yet so ignorant to how little he made sure Chanwoo ate since he was the one cooking the most in the dorm. He forgot how cute Chanwoo was when he asked for double spam or when he whined into Yunhyeong's shoulder about dieting. Those little moments disappeared as Chanwoo (and the rest of the members) went through occasional dieting, unable to eat properly. Glancing over, Yunhyeong swallowed heavily at the sight of Chanwoo's pale skin, not being able to remember how much the maknae at eaten at lunch. Did he even eat? All Yunhyeong could remember was the way Chanwoo had subtly pawned off most of his lunch to Jiwon, who ate it without thinking. Yunhyeong hid his face into Jinhwan's shoulder, not wanting to think anymore as a single tear ran down his face.

Jinhwan sighed, resting his cheek against Yunhyeong's hair. He could feel his hand being gripped and his eyes flitted up to see Junhoe stare into his phone deeply, his hand holding Jinhwan's. Jinhwan knew that Junhoe was such an emotional person, what with his poems and his occasional words of advice, but this was way out of his depth. He knew it reminded Junhoe of his trainee days, where he was full of anger and with no way to really channel it. Except here was their maknae, suffering, and Junhoe had no idea of how to fix it. Jinhwan had no idea either and glancing at Hanbin, that boy was practically reliving every moment he hurt Chanwoo in his brain.

“Hyung do you really think it'll be ok?” Donghyuk bit his lip, hoping Jinhwan would give him a positive answer, not wanting to face reality that their maknae could leave them. Yunhyeong made no movement off Jinhwan's shoulder as Jinhwan shrugged them. His eyes found their way to a drooling Chanwoo, his lips quirking at the cute sight. “Honestly? I don't know. I think he loves us so much and we haven't done our job as his hyungs or his fellow idols. It's going to be a long journey of healing for all of us if he accepts our apology.”

At that moment the car stopped, their apartment in sight. Yunhyeong's head lifted from Jinhwan's shoulder as the boys nodded to one another, it was time for the moment of true.

**Author's Note:**

> I've made a website to house all my fics as an easier way of reading. [Here](https://lovelystorytime.wordpress.com/) and I'll be updating there before I post on here or Asianfanfics.


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